Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Love and the marriage

For as long as I can remember, I've always had the big plans of getting married one day. Of course the first draft of that plan would have put me being called by a new last name for about a year now, and obviously that thought was thwarted somewhere along the way.

Even up until the last four or five months, I still had that vision of the perfect man, wedding, house, animals, and kids in my head, but something suddenly changed. I think it may have been my biological clock being kicked out of the driver's seat by my subconscious saying that I haven't yet lived all I should independently. Soley independent, to be more specific.

It's not that I don't feel like I can achieve goals that I set long ago, or even just yesterday if there's a significant other in my life with some sort of permanancy. Or that I won't be able to travel and see the places and friends I've been planning for so long. Or that I'll somehow lose my ability to be spontaneous and just go with the wind when the moments are right. But I do know that there comes a certain point in life when dealing with that special someone you have to start making decisions based on the two of you collectively and not just yourself anymore. No waking up on Friday mornings to say to yourself "I think I'll book a ticket out to Seattle for two weeks from today to go visit John" without having to consult anyone to see if there are other plans or hesitations. No staying out until all hours of the night at your friends' houses without calling someone to say where you are so that they don't worry. Or blow up your phone all night.

As I was explaining to someone the other night, I wonder at this point if my independence is going to hinder me from allowing someone else to have 100 percent of me. If I'm goign to be forever gunshy of making that final lasting commitment for the fact that it's no longer just about me, it's about us. I don't say that in a selfish manner, as if I don't want to share my life with someone else. I say it in a control manner. I don't ask permission. I don't like being restricted in who my friends can be. I want to know how much money is being spent where and what's set aside for various expenses/savings/disposable income. I just don't like not knowing what's going on in any given situation. Which ultimately means I hate being vulnerable.

I know that with time, my heart will be healed and more keen on letting people in. That my insecurities about myself and my future will be gone. And that all the issues I come up with inside my head to just make life so much more complicated than it should be will subside. Until then, I suppose I'll just ask for some patience of others, and to not give up on me. Independent lady or not :)


Flo said...

Your reluctance to being vulnerable is completely understandable. Instead of being like most girls who spend their youth looking for a guy to take care of their needs, you're doing the right thing and taking care of your own damn self. That's the point - successful relationships happen between people who are already at peace with themselves. I'm glad that you are doing so well at reaching that goal.

Flo said...

PS Can you sense the bitterness? I hate girls who spend their lives going "Oh I need a man who will support me..." WHY? That is exactly why I don't have friends that think that way. Marriage is about teamwork, not co-dependence.

Flo said...

PPS: I have the same problem with not wanting to ask for permission. I think that makes us stronger women, not necessarily stubborn :) Love ya!